blueglass's Blog

Ha, duh!

I just thought of something that I've thought of before but forgot: a combination of balance and low-anxiety is possible - a nutritional drink!  It will have protein and fat and vitamins and stuff, but if I drink it down real quick, I won't have to think about it.  DUH.

So, "plan".  I will fast 3 days of the week (haven't decided which).  Then I will have 1 boost at 3P on days I don't have dance class, and 1.5-2 boosts at 3P on days I do have dance.  OK. 

This eating disorder is really hard to deal with, especially because I'm normally a very rational person.  I'm not easily given in to emotional decisions.  I can't cry most of the time, even when I know I need to and wish I could; yet I cry myself to sleep on days I have to eat or when I gain weight or haven't lost after days of fasting.  It is very hard to have emotions weigh so heavy on my decisions.  It also makes it hard, because I'm not sure of how to lose weight.  Not that I don't have some ideas, but I don't KNOW for a fact, and it makes me very uneasy eating a certain way if I'm not 100% positive I will lose weight.  This makes me very inconsistent, and that inconsistency is probably making losing weight even harder!

This I know: if I fast I will lose weight.  This I feel: I don't want/like to eat.

This I know: I cannot fast forever, and I cannot deceive myself into believing I don't ever have to eat.

I need to have a plan, then, and this scares the HELL out of me.  Anything dealing with food scares me to death, and I feel nauseated now even thinking of it.  But the sooner I make a plan, and a real plan, not one based on emotion, the sooner I can at least stop thinking about that part of things.  Here I go, then.  I figure I can fast 2-3 days a week to keep anxiety levels down.

For the days I do eat, I am torn.  I can A) eat fruit and veggies or B) eat a balanced meal (Zone, if anyone's heard of that diet plan).   The pros of A: they are safe, low-anxiety foods; I will probably lose weight; I can get those foods anywhere and all the time.  The cons of A: I may crave; I may binge; I may be in a situation where I cannot eat those foods, prompting a veritable panic attack - very embarrassing.  The pros of B: I may not crave; I'll get protein; I can get away with it easier.  The cons of B: I may have a tough time knowing exactly how much to eat of what when I'm not at home; it requires more thinking and planning, thus more anxiety; I may be getting too many calories; it is scarier.

A is a more emotional-oriented option, with focus on lowering anxiety as low as possible without actually fasting.  B is a more logical option, with focus on getting a balanced meal and hopefully preventing cravings/binges, but is a far far far more complicated, therefore scarier, option.

I can't decide - help.

That "plan" sounded nice, except there's no way I can eat everyday!  What I've been doing for the past few weeks is fast 1 or 2 days and eat (400 cals max?) 1 or 2 days.  I have lost weight and my stomach is visibly smaller.  So I guess I'll continue.  The reason I'm doing this is because I get anxious after eating, so I want a day of respite where I don't even have to think about eating.  I'm not making myself, I'm letting myself. 

Why can't I just follow my own advice?  I just had a very serious lecture with myself on my lack of self control and how I tend to talk myself into just bingeing and purging.  I need to stop.

If I eat no more than 400 calories a day, I WILL lose weight, and a lot of it.  I don't NEED to fast.  And I have options.  I can eat one meal of 400 at 3P; I can eat 100 cals of fruit at 12P and 300 of food at 6P; if I don't feel like dealing with food, I can have 1.5 boosts at 3P or 4/5 at 12 and 6.  There are plenty of freezer meals in the calorie range I need.  This is it.  One rule. 400 calories.  Very simple.  Why do I not listen?  But I am back "on the wagon" tomorrow morning.  I fasted for 3 days, felt wonderful, binged today, felt miserable, and will eat moderately (400) for the rest of my life (I hope).

I do love having people over, but I hate having to eat "normally".  I just had a friend spend the night, and she went home tonight.  I fasted for 2 full days and up until supper the 3rd day (yesterday), and today I ate and threw up all day (which really was easier than usual - my stomach shrank).  But I canNOT wait to begin fasting again tomorrow!  Yay!  It feels so good, so addicting, you get such a high on the 3rd and 4th days, and even though you are undeniably hungry, nothing sounds good and you want to keep on going.  Ahhh...

ANDDDD...  I have 22 50mg tablets of Tramadol which is amazing for appetite suppression.  If I take 50mg of Tramadol and 2000mg of Hoodia I got from Walmart (really just caffeine, anyway) at 10-ish and 3-ish, I am hyper and energetic AND not hungry!  It's great.  I COULD fast without that stuff, but why make it harder when it's a hard thing to not eat anyway?  Plus chugging water all day - 100% kills hunger pains.

Wish me luck!  And I would love to hear about other successful fasts, and how yall did them.

 I don't know if I will eat as I'm hungry, eat 2 boosts a day, or fast for eternity.  Actually, yes, I do.  I'm fasting.  I weigh a fucking 135 pounds today.  I said if I weighed 130 or less I could continue with the boosts.  But no, I gained 3 pounds.  I won't eat until I weigh at LEAST 110.  Probably less.  Fuck metabolism, though, because I'll gain so much back.  I hate food.