I'm so screwed up. I wish I had anxiety meds to take with food! | blueglass's Blog

This eating disorder is really hard to deal with, especially because I'm normally a very rational person.  I'm not easily given in to emotional decisions.  I can't cry most of the time, even when I know I need to and wish I could; yet I cry myself to sleep on days I have to eat or when I gain weight or haven't lost after days of fasting.  It is very hard to have emotions weigh so heavy on my decisions.  It also makes it hard, because I'm not sure of how to lose weight.  Not that I don't have some ideas, but I don't KNOW for a fact, and it makes me very uneasy eating a certain way if I'm not 100% positive I will lose weight.  This makes me very inconsistent, and that inconsistency is probably making losing weight even harder!

This I know: if I fast I will lose weight.  This I feel: I don't want/like to eat.

This I know: I cannot fast forever, and I cannot deceive myself into believing I don't ever have to eat.

I need to have a plan, then, and this scares the HELL out of me.  Anything dealing with food scares me to death, and I feel nauseated now even thinking of it.  But the sooner I make a plan, and a real plan, not one based on emotion, the sooner I can at least stop thinking about that part of things.  Here I go, then.  I figure I can fast 2-3 days a week to keep anxiety levels down.

For the days I do eat, I am torn.  I can A) eat fruit and veggies or B) eat a balanced meal (Zone, if anyone's heard of that diet plan).   The pros of A: they are safe, low-anxiety foods; I will probably lose weight; I can get those foods anywhere and all the time.  The cons of A: I may crave; I may binge; I may be in a situation where I cannot eat those foods, prompting a veritable panic attack - very embarrassing.  The pros of B: I may not crave; I'll get protein; I can get away with it easier.  The cons of B: I may have a tough time knowing exactly how much to eat of what when I'm not at home; it requires more thinking and planning, thus more anxiety; I may be getting too many calories; it is scarier.

A is a more emotional-oriented option, with focus on lowering anxiety as low as possible without actually fasting.  B is a more logical option, with focus on getting a balanced meal and hopefully preventing cravings/binges, but is a far far far more complicated, therefore scarier, option.

I can't decide - help.